Coming Out: Transgender
Coming out as transgender will mostly be a long and difficult process. While it has similarities to coming out as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, there are many aspects of being transgender that make it more difficult.
In relation to coming out as LGB
For many people it is easier to wrap their minds around being lesbian, gay, or bisexual than it is for them to understand being transgender. After all, there is no one trait more fundamental to the way people perceive others in our society than that of gender. While many people are still ignorant about LGB people, far more lack correct knowledge about transgender people. Thus, there are more false assumptions to wade through, more stigmas to overcome. Some see being transgender as more of a choice than being lesbian, gay, or bisexual since people choose to transition. Also, being transgender is much more difficult to hide or ignore with friends and family members, especially if one pursues physical transition. Like coming out as LGB, though, many people need some time to adjust to the new knowledge about their friend or family member’s identity.
Choosing the best time
There are several important factors to consider when picking the right time to come out. One of the most important things to keep in mind is your financial stability. If there is a strong possibility that your parents would cut off all financial support, waiting until you could have financial independence would be in your best interest. Also, there is no protection against being fired for one’s gender identity in the state of Ohio. Having a solid job and a financial plan for the worst case scenario is a good place to start.
Also, there may be certain times that people will be more receptive to your coming out than others. For instance, coming out right before a major holiday with one’s family might not be the best option. Coming out at the very beginning of winter or summer break when you will be stuck in your parent’s home for the next month or two may also not be the best idea. However, if one puts off coming out too much, parents will sometimes be much more upset that they were left in the dark for so long.
In the end, there probably will not be a time that feels like the “right” time – the trick is to find a time that is not a particularly “bad” one and to go for it.
Who to come out to
After coming out to oneself, it is helpful to start coming out to people that you know will definitely be supportive. In doing so, you can create a supportive network around you so you will have people to rely on when coming out to the more difficult friends and family members. Sometimes, coming out can be very emotionally taxing, so try to pace yourself.
You should not feel an obligation to come out to everyone all at once, and you should not feel like you are always obligated to explain yourself. When choosing who to come out to, keep in mind what you want from people and be direct about it. If you want to be addressed by a different name and pronoun in the classroom, obviously you will need to come out to your professor. Coming out to all of your classmates may or may not be an issue.
Methods of coming out
There are several ways of coming out, and the method you use can be determined by how you communicate best, how close you are to the person to whom you are coming out, and by other circumstances like distance and time frames. If face-to-face confrontations are difficult, writing a letter (whether it is delivered in person then discussed afterward or just dropped in the mail box) is also a great way to come out. Email and telephone calls are also possibilities, especially for reaching numerous co-workers, professors, and classmates.
More ideas for coming out in the college setting can be found in the next section: Coming Out to Professors and Classmates. That section also contains a sample coming out letter in a college setting, though a coming out letter to a parent or close friend would probably need to be more personal. Coming out to parents can be one of the most difficult aspects of coming out as transgender. To assist their understanding, it can be helpful to give them materials to read, such as the book True Selves (by Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley) or P-Flag’s Our Trans Children pamphlet/website.There is no one right way or one right time to come out. Each person has a different situation and different needs, so go with whatever works best for you.
Later in this guide:
Things to know before coming out to Parents
Coming Out to Professors and Classmates
Resources in Athens
Online coming out resources:
PFlag’s Transgender Network: Coming Out Trans to Your Parents and Family
Includes ideas on coming out to young children, parents, what to do if parents aren’t accepting.
Sexuality.org: Coming Out Trans
PFlag: Our Trans Children
PFlag’s Transgender Network published this booklet as an intro to trans issues for family, friends, co-workers, and others interested in trans issues. It is also a great resource guide for trans people.