What to Do When a So-Called Friend Stabs You in the Back Where would we be without our close girlfriends? They make us laugh, keep us sane, and are always rooting for our success. Joy Stevens, who writes for online relationship articles, describes friendship as, "an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy." Most of us would agree her definition hits friendship right on the nose, yet we've all been stung by the betrayal of what was thought to be a loyal girlfriend. And after a so-called friend stabs us in the back, we're left shocked and hurt - usually finding it hard to decide whether to let that feeling go or let it end your friendship. Follow along, as POISE takes a closer look at friendship faux-pas and what do to when you're left in the middle of one. Fair Weathered or True Blue? So what should you do when trying to decipher your friend in question's deeds, and whether or not she's still worthy of your friendship? The American Psychological Association (APA) suggests taking a few deep breaths in oder to calm down and put everything into perspective. Breathe deeply from your diaphram and picture your breath coming up from your gut - not only will you feel less stressed, but you'll start thinking more reasonably as well. Once you're back to the rational you, evaluate your friendship, as everyone's is different. Look at the extent of friendship you've shared together, as well as past emperiences, and her overall friendship history. Is she a repeated offender? Think about these things as well as the severity of the back-stabbing. Was this a "plastic knife" ditched-you-on-a-Friday-night or a "steak knife" stole-your-boyfriend-of-two-years?
After thinking things over, APA uggests you complete the three steps to managing your anger: expressing, suppressing, and calming. For example, express your anger in a diary, suppress your anger by taking a cardio-kick class, and calm your anger by thinking of ways to resolve the issue. The time it takes you to go through these steps will help both you and your friendship because when you're ready to approach your so-called-friend, you will be collected and less likely to say or do something you don't mean. Forgive Robert Enright, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as, "giving up the resentment to which you are entitled and offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are not entitled." With this is mind, ask yourself if you're ready to give your girlfriend the respect she obviously didn't show you. Forgiving a friend is beneficial not only to the friendship, but also to you. Larry James, author of the book How to Really Love the One You're With, says that forgiveness allows you to let go, move on, and embrace positive things in your life; which is why rethinking an ugly situation after time passes helps to view your perspective of it sensibly, and sometimes even helps you to see things from the other's side. More often than not, your attitude of the incident will have changed and you'll find yourself thinking that whatever your friend did isn't that big of a deal, long-term speaking. So, the next time you talk to your friend, explain to her what is bothering you, but be ready and willing to move on. Holding an unnecessary grudge is neither beneficial to you nor your friendship. In addition to mending your heart, and friendship, studies show that holding a grudge can actually be bad for you heath - giving you mental and emotional consequences such as anxiety and depression. So, when she offers an apology, accept it confidently. Having your confidence and belief that she can change and be a better friend in the future will make her want to prove you're right. Forget On the other hand, if this was a serious offense, re-evaluating the situation may have only deepened your wound. A friend that does something extremely hateful and traumatic towards you isn't worth keeping around. If you forgive her she may get the impression that you're a "pushover" and she can walk all over you and you'll just come crawling back. The next time you two talk explain to her that you can't be friends with someone who treats you that way. Don't be rude or condescending; avoid placing blame on her, which will only trigger her to act defensively. For example, instead of saying, "I can't be friends with you after what you did to me," calmly explain that you were both hurt and surprised by her actions. Let her know that you cared deeply for her and trusted her, and until she can change her ways and rebuild the trust between the two of you, you can't put yourself out there. Offer that you could be friends again, but not until you're both mended and unbaised toward eachother. Dr. Jan Yager, author of When Friendships Hurt, says you must accept that you may feel guilt and anger when a friendship ends. She also suggests trying to make ending a friendship a more positive experience by thinking about what you learned about yourself from the friendship and the dispute you had with your ex-friend. There is obviously pain involved when a friendship ends, and for this, Yager recommends spending time with other friends and family, as well as investing time in a new friendship. Be the Bigger Person Man situations are not clear-cut forgive or forget; there is a lot of gray space. You may not be ready to forgive your friend, but you don't want to lose the friendship either. You really have to rely on your own judgment and analyze your friendship in situations like these. Yager suggests asking yourself how much time and energy you're willing to invest to turn the situation around. Then think if your friend is willing to put in an equal amount of time. Remember to agree to disagree; you and your friend may have different ideas on what is right and what is wrong, but if you can accept eachothers' differences you'll be happier in the long run. And, when all else fails, decide to be the bigger person and forgive your friend. "Nothing could ease your mental and emotional pains better than by forgiving someone that has hurt you in the past., says Michael Lee, author of Seven Incredible Lifesaving Tips to Manage Your Anger. “If they have taken something important away from you, would it make sense to also sacrifice your health and lifestyle?"
Finally, remember that forgiveness is a valuable quality in a person and chances are you're not perfect either and will one day need her to return the favor. It takes strength to hold a grudge, but character to let one go.If you were the backstabber. . . Check out our list of what you should and shouldn't do if you're the one guilty of the crime. - Do confront your friend about the dirty deed, ASAP
- Don't expect things to be ok right away
- Do apologize sincerely
- Don't give excuses for your behavior
- Do try your best to change
- Don't do it again!
"Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends."
- Henry Brooks Adams |
